Do I even have the right to still feel sad? Shouldn't I be over it by now?

My due date w/ baby #3 was 9 days ago. Naturally b/c of this it's been on my mind alot lately. Replaying the excitement and happiness that was all so short lived. It almost feels like it never happened. That's how I sometimes feel like "the husband" (Sorry I have yet to think of a cute nickname) thinks about it. That it never happened, we were never actually pregnant. I know this is just b/c he doesn't share his feelings and thoughts as much as I do. I know he hurts he just doesn't show it, doesn't dwell like I do.
It also feels almost like a prank. A bad joke that I'm the butt of. After 2 1/2 yrs of trying, months of clomid and metformin and u/s and appts. I did nothing. I said in Feb I was done. Done w/ the metformin that was making me sick (we had decided in Dec to stop the Clomid that was making me feel even worse), done w/ talking about it all the time, done w/ charting every little sign. Done. I handed it to God and said the ol' "If its meant to happen it will." And it did. In March I got pg. I remember the test sitting on the counter and me falling to my knees. Just saying "Thank you God. Thank you." over and over again. My prayers had been answered. Our prayers. My girls asking for a sibling and praying at night and wishing for a baby w/ birthday candle wishes and wishing well coin tosses. I was thankful and so excited. I thought that this was the pregnancy I was meant to have. Not being on meds, I could see the midwife I wanted and not have to see the OB that I liked but was very busy and always having to travel farther to other offices just to see her. I thought I was a pro having 2 babies already, so I waited. I knew that you don't go in until 8wks anyway and I still had another wk to call to make an appt. So I went about my plans for the wk. The next wkend happened to be the kids consignment sale I always helped set up and had fun chattin up other moms and shopping before everyone else. I worked hard that wkend. Later we would look back and blame the pushing and carrying and fun I had. 2 days later I started cramping. Then bleeding. I called to get the appt I had thought I could wait to make. I went in and had bloodtests. And an u/s. The bloodwork confirmed I was pg. But the u/s confirmed I had miscarried. I already knew. I didn't need to be told. I knew bleeding like that wasn't normal. God Bless the midwife. I still look back through that cloud of emotions and what she said and how she acted. I knew it was still early. I knew I was lucky, that if it would've been later it would've been worse. I had kind of been spared the added heartache and pain others that have lost babies later on in their pg go through. She never said that though. She told me that if I take anything from it, I should remember that I was actually pg and not to fight that loss. And that the great news was that after all this time of trying, I actually got pg. On my own w/out the drugs that made me feel awful. She added that I did nothing wrong, nothing I did caused this. And she said to start trying again right away. And that she'd see me soon. So I went home. And waited for it to be over. And though it took longer than I expected, I did feel lucky I didn't have to have any medical intervention for help. I felt like I could tell noone. I understood now what it was like to be part of the "unspoken club". Even though its on your mind and you hurt, you just don't talk about it. Especially as early as I was. I know it happens more than anyone ever talks about. I turned to the internet for silent support. I stumbled across other miscarriage and infertility blogs to help validate my feelings. I went through a rough time spritually. I think that was one of the worst parts for me. That I wavered and felt like I needed answers. I felt guilty for my doubt in God's love and path for me and my family. But at the same time searching for meaning. I've always thought that everything happens for a reason. I'll go in to past events that have shown me that in later posts. But I kept trying to think of what the lesson in THIS was. What am I meant to learn? I don't know if anyone will ever read this. But if someone does and is looking for support I will share what 9mo of searching has taught me. I don't know if you believe in God or not. But everything does happen for a reason. And I believe God does have a plan for all of us. So why did this finally happen after yrs of trying? Only for it to be gone w/in wks? I believe God was telling me that I had been heard. but I am not in control. Not to give up on having more children. Don't close the door like I did. It will happen. It's just not the right time yet. I was shown that I am so blessed. I can get pg. And it will happen when it's supposed to. It's crazy to think that the 1st time around in '06 we just talked about starting a family and it happened. The 2nd time it took exactly 12mo. The month before starting clomid, it happened. Even then I considered myself lucky. So many ladies, even close friends and relatives, its not even a possibility. So I am lucky to have what I have. I know it. But selfishly I still want for more...my heart just doesn't feel done. I have more love to give and God knows it. Whether its having more children myself or adopting or fostering. The possibilty is out there. I'm not closing the door, just waiting for the next one to open.

12/29/13 Starting a Blog

I've thought about starting a blog for some time now. Just to put my everyday thoughts down and to be able to look back at today. Trying to remember that every day is a new day and we never get today back. I've never been good @ journeling but love looking back at the few entries I have when my ladies were little and am so glad I have those. I plan to share my adventures of being a mother of 2 girls, having secondary infertility, PCOS, following the feingold diet, marriage, and trying to live a Christ-minded life. I'm sure I'll get too personal as I always do. But I'm not expecting anyone to read this. But if someone stumbles across this then great, I hope something in here helps you with whatever you're searching for, as reading and following blogs for years now have helped me. So please excuse the mess as I get used to the art of sharing my feelings and stories for all to see...